Graduate School Lessons

I cannot tell you how many times I thought about leaving my graduate program. I knew that the University of Memphis offered a much more supportive environment for people of color in Philosophy. In fact, several other Spelman Alumnae in Philosophy were in that program, and believe me I came close to pursuing that route several times. My decision to stay at Emory did not actually have anything to do with the program there. I was very fortunate to have a loving and supportive community in Atlanta and an amazing fiance'. These were the things that actually kept me at Emory and, in the end, I am pleased that I decided to stay. I have come to understand that being successful in a PhD program has little to do with coursework, exams, or even the dissertation. It is really about learning how to master the process. It is about how much you are willing to give and how much you are able to take away from that process. As a woman of color I was often faced with making decisions about how much of myself I was willing to give to the process. Things like spirituality, African-centeredness, woman centeredness... have no place in a Eurocentric, male dominated academic space. This often meant that I had to hold the things that were dearest to me close to my chest. I also had to learn how to "speak their language" (as demonstrated in my previous post) without forgetting my own. One day, one of my professors pulled me aside for a conversation that proved to be a pivotal moment in my graduate career. He told me that if I wanted to survive and make it through the comprehensive exam I would have to learn how to speak the language. It is not really about what you know or how you think, it is about mastering the technique. You have to master the structures (learn how to talk the talk and walk the walk), because that is what is most important. Once you do that, once you pass that test you will be free to speak your own language and think your own thoughts. I think that he saved my academic life and a major portion of my sanity that day. The wisdom that he offered helped me to understand more fully what I was doing there. That was a recurring question for me, "What am I doing here?". Then the answer came: Getting a PhD in Philosophy, nothing more--nothing less. I was not there to find or define myself, I was not there to defend the legitamicy of the African-American experience, I was not there to change anyone's mind about anything. This does not mean that some of these things did not happen. I am clear that my presence and succes in the program meant something, and had definite ramifications both for the department and for me. I cound not, however, carry that burden. I think that too often "minorities" take on the burden of changing people's minds about who we are and what we can do. In some ways, I think that my refusal to do this actually had a greater impact. I refused to play any of the roles laid out for me. Some of my professors and peers tried to goad me into the ever popular "angry Black woman". I was always polite and personable but was not interested in being drawn into any departmental politics or drama. I came to understand that I had to set up personal boundaries in order to stay sane. I was active on campus; I participated in the Black Graduate Student Association and the Graduate Student Organization (I even served one term as an officer). I sat on panels, traveled abroad, went to conferences, and colloquiums--I did all of the things that I felt were necessary for me to get the most out of my experience as a graduate student. Most importantly, I got my PhD in a relatively short period of time and remained in tact while doing so.